As I sit here and write, my list of anxieties, it holds me tight like a moment I never thought would come. Is this really me, writing and feeling these fears? I’m riddled.
How could this be? How did this happen?
Just yesterday I was fear-less and carefree. And today, here I sit, scared to make myself a cup of tea.
As my list goes on, I have not but got half way through and I have filled two A4 pages. There feels like there could be eleven more.
The simplest things leave me riddled with terror.
As I write, I know why. I know it’s trauma – it’s evidential anxiety. What I’m scared of, has happened before - so why would it not now? Why would it not again?
Because it’s so different now, that’s why.
The big things I worry about happening again are life threatening, life altering and completely hideous. But the little things I fear may rock, they may provide intense discomfort, but they do not threaten life. They do not.
They make me me, and they make me able and free.
Never did I think I would find myself riddled with fear of the tiniest most daily things. And most of all, never did I think I would not notice it happening. Never did I think I would get so used to it – let it become normal. Let it be something I live to survive, not survive to live.
So let that be something to take with you for the day – allow yourself that fight to survive, but not to stop there. To fight to LIVE and be free from these ties, these constraints, this terror, and most of all, become friends with the fear there. No matter how long that road might seem, it is there and hundreds have paced it before, leaving it softly trodden and easier to find. So there you sit, boots on and ready. And in my eyes, that is already way past the beginning – being ready means you are already racing along that softly trodden road to freedom and happiness.
Enjoy your day guys.